That Cortnie Girl

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unsafe environments

Consent is required for whatever contact you decide to have with a person. Whether that consent is verbal or physical, it is necessary. Yesterday I experienced two men use me as a prop after making it clear I was uncomfortable and later on had to deal with men acting ridiculous at a show I was very excited about, pushing people violently and making nearly everyone anxious. I have also recently been dealing with men telling me to smile, grabbing my arm to see my tattoo, and showing that their needs are more important than mine.

I am completely uncomfortable being around entitled men because they apparently don’t understand that other peoples’ bodies are not there for them to use and abuse. I have also been having a really hard time vocalizing my issues with these men, and I’ve been struggling with myself and my identity because of it. Being uncomfortable really impacts whether or not you feel like you can say anything. I’m here to say that if you feel uncomfortable, you have every right in the world to vocalize it. I support you.

Sending you my love,
Cortnie

Crop tops for fat girls rule, okay?

I’ve had crop tops. I actually have three now with this lovely gothy addition. I never wore them in public unless I was also wearing some high waisted pencil skirt as well. Well, this week that changed.

I really love my belly. I try to give my belly all of the love that I know it deserves. This past few weeks though, I’ve been struggling. This is normal. I have to remind myself that this is normal. Shit happens in our lives that impact other aspects of our beings. I’ve had a stressful semester, I’m still not finished with graduate school, I have to rewrite my thesis, and I just keep thinking FUCK. I’m so out of control of that part of my life, and I’m down on myself. I try my best to stay positive, practice revolutionary love, and radical self worship but I still feel like I’m falling backwards sometimes.

Questions run through my mind. Who am I to talk about fat politics and self love when I’m falling victim within the same breath? I have to remind myself that self love is a process, a journey, and a lifetime commitment. One that I refuse to give up on. We are allowed to feel sad sometimes. We are allowed to not like our bodies all of the time. The messages we see or hear everyday are petrifying. I can be at work and hear an obscene amount of diet talk within an hour. I can turn on the television and see a commercial shaming my body. I can be walking in public and deal with internalized shit. Anything. Fat people deal with this garbage everyday and because of that there is not going to be a constant perfect vision of ourselves. We’re taught to hate ourselves. How do you rid your mind of all of that bullshit after so many fucking years? It’s a damn struggle.

I’ll be honest. I was fucking terrified to walk out into the world in my crop top. I was hesitant. I locked my apartment door and turned to my girlfriend, “should I go back and change? I should go back and change.” But I kept walking. We walked outside and she grabbed my hand and said, “see? Nothing happened, did it?” And she was right. Well, partly. Nothing happened to the people around me. But something happened to me that day. Never had I bared so much skin in public, even if it’s just my stomach. Never had I felt comfortable doing it. I had always longed for something cute and sassy like a cut off shirt, but I never had the guts to do it. But that day. That day when I walked out of that door. Something happened.

Forget God, I’m Worshipping Myself

Hello after a long hiatus! I am slowly but surely getting through my graduate program—I have less than a handful of weeks left, which is terrifying! I will definitely be posting more as things cool off. Right now I’m ignoring my thesis, so there’s that.

A few weeks ago, after seeing posts upon posts dedicated to Lent on my Facebook news feed (and realizing I knew a zillion Catholics) I was frustrated. Many of the posts I read were about weight loss, giving up certain foods, and the usual. I thought about it and wondered— does this God really care if you eat chocolate? Does your God notice if you skip out on red meat or chicken and have what is called a “meat-free Friday” by eating fish (ps that’s still meat)? I decided that I needed to hit replay on my radical self worship.

In this time of my life, I either engulf myself in school work, or I completely ignore it and act like it doesn’t exist. If I’m not doing either of those things, I’m obsessing over what I’ll be doing after I graduate—what if I can’t find a job? What if I can’t pay my student loans? What will happen? I’ve been a student for 7 years, 19 if we include my childhood time in school. I don’t know how to exist without being a student. Just like I am right now, I waterfall into all of these issues. We all know that none of these things are positive for my mojo.

I realized that I need to step back and forgive myself. Forgive myself for ignoring homework. Forgive myself for neglecting my cats from cuddles. Forgive myself for maybe eating too much ice cream. Forgive myself and apologize to my loved ones for snapping. Forgive myself for all of it and move on. In order to do this, I had to show myself some love. What do I try to do now?

I cuddle my cats more.
I take bubble baths.
I ignore outside negativity as much as I can.
I tell my girlfriend how much she means to me as often as I can.
I make to do lists for my school work and try my best to follow them.
I cook.
I practice more community love.
I hang out in the grass.
I ride my new bike (another post!).
I Netflix marathon when I need to.
I don’t let my anxiety hold me back from meeting friends at a bar.

Overall, I show myself the love that I need and deserve. And I feel better. A lot better. My anxiety is improved. My attitude is more positive. I smile more often. I check myself, ya know?

I hope you all can do this for yourselves as well. It seems so tiny, but the simplest thing can really impact the energy surrounding you. 

I’m sending you love. xo

I find it ironic to give up something I enjoy for over a month, so in the name of goddess I’ve decided to purposefully worship myself everyday for 40 days.

Don’t forget to like my Facebook page, y’all.

I find it ironic to give up something I enjoy for over a month, so in the name of goddess I’ve decided to purposefully worship myself everyday for 40 days.

Don’t forget to like my Facebook page, y’all.

Embracing Your Insecurities

Insecurities haunt us all. Most of us have at least one thing we’re self-conscious about, but has ignoring these things helped us? Embracing your insecurities can help you to be more comfortable with certain aspects of your body while helping you to see yourself as an entire being rather than separating yourself into pieces. Jen and I decided to take pictures of ourselves embracing some things we were self-conscious about. Making these “problems” or “flaws” bold and noticeable shows that we can move towards no longer caring if they’re prominent. 

Whether you think embracing these flaws makes you beautiful or not, working towards not ignoring them can help you to heal from damage from bullies, self-hate, and shame. 

xo

A Love Note

Hey you,

You’re special. You’re amazing. Don’t let people tell you otherwise— and most importantly, don’t tell yourself otherwise. You deserve the best, and I’m so glad you exist. Your feelings are valid. Your experiences are important. If someone tries to defend people for treating you badly or if someone tries to deny your reality, tell them to shut up. Follow your dreams, no matter how silly you think they are. Start small if you have to. Treat yourself with kindness. If negative thoughts come into your mind, stop and replace them with positive energy. Keep on keepin’ on, I’m right here with you.

Love you forever,
Cortnie

My girlfriend and I made a zine last month and I’ve been meaning to share it with y’all! <3 Check out more of the pages at my Facebook page

We made this out of an old human sexuality book from the ’70s. We ripped the shit out of it and kind of ironically centered our page themes around it. We were feeling sassy and brassy, which I think you can tell throughout the pages. 

Much love, and a new post is coming soon! I’m halfway through grad school! THANK THE LAWD!

Joking About Disordered Eating Isn’t Funny So Stop It Goddamnit

You’re ridiculous if you think joking about eating disorders is funny.

This includes: saying you tried to be anorexic to lose weight, saying less is more, telling people they should pick up an eating disorder so it would be easier to lose weight, always portraying thin people as never eating or being hungry and fat people as always eating or always being hungry, claiming you’ve been anorexic lately because you don’t have enough money to buy food.

If you are belittling or mocking the realities of disordered eating, please come over here so I can hit you over the head. Fucking quit.

Treat Yourself With Some Damn Respect

I haven’t blogged in so long and I feel like it’s bringing some barrier between all of us, and I’m not okay with that! So, to update y’all on some things…

Grad school started.

I quit smoking.

Grad school is killing me.

So there it is. Yes, I quit smoking! It’s been about two weeks. Actually, two weeks tonight. Which is exciting! I did smoke one at about the halfway mark.. but it was absolutely terrible, and I completely regret it. I tried to smoke another (I give in to cravingpressure) and it was so disgusting that I only got one puff in. How did I smoke for 6 years before this? 

So grad school. I’m really glad I decided to further my education, and that I had the means to do so via tons of loans that I will never pay off. Awesome, right? Either way, I’m consistently behind on my work, I sit in class feeling like a dumbass, I think I have an idea right in my head but then I can’t articulate it, and I cry at least 5 times a week. I guess that’s grad school for ya? 

It seems as though some learning environments aren’t so learning rather than you don’t already know this, how could you not know this idea, shame on you. Many people do already know the ideas. Some of us though, including myself, don’t. Should we be ridiculed because of it? Should I have to feel inadequate because I 1) don’t know a word, 2) look it up in a dictionary and 3) still can’t fucking understand the word? That doesn’t make me less deserving of a chair in a classroom. 

I mentioned to someone at school that I started this blog because I felt like I didn’t belong in my studies. I felt like I was ignored, silenced, and pushed to the side because of my social status, my fatness, and a few other factors. I told them that this blog has been a way for me to learn to articulate my thoughts more easily, and in ways that people can actually understand. They seemed shocked, and clearly didn’t believe anything I said. 

I told them that I considered this blog to be a form of activism. They rolled their eyes and continued to explain that online activism is pointless. 

I then explained that if I took just one of the messages I’ve received about someone not starving themselves or throwing up after a meal because they feel better about themselves and their bodies from something I wrote, then yes.. that is activism. That is doing something. No one can tell me that it isn’t. 

Silence. 

So what’s the point of this post? I’m not entirely sure; I needed to articulate some things. I have been treating myself terribly the last 5 weeks— out of self-defense, out of hurt feelings, out of whatever. I think some mantras are in order.

You are deserving.

Your feelings and opinions are valid.

Your worth is not dependent on how someone views you.

Move on.

Your words matter. 

Can you think of others? My mind is all over the place. This post is a way for me to stop, think, digest, and sit with the moment. For the last 5 weeks I’ve been thinking of the future, thinking of how people view me and what people think of me, telling myself I’m inadequate, telling myself that I’m undeserving, and being all around fucking rude to myself. And it’s bleeding into aspects of my life other than school. This post is a way to commit to changing that shit because it’s killing my mojo. 

That’s all.

xo

Cortnie